Announcing Soccer Mom Linux 1.1 “Still Minivan”

Two days. It took the Soccer Mom Linux project two days to ship a point release, which is the kind of turnaround you get when a community is powered entirely by grievance. Soccer Mom Linux 1.1 — codename “Still Minivan,” because we are NOT buying a new car every release — is available immediately for amd64, arm64, Raspberry Pi, and your web browser.

“People asked if 1.1 would get a new codename. It will not. The minivan is fine. The minivan has plenty of life left in it. Get in the minivan.”

Headline feature: you can move in now

Soccer Mom Linux 1.1 ships a full CLI installer: i_dont_want_to_live_next_to_those_people. It installs Soccer Mom Linux permanently onto a local disk, in a tasteful magenta, for both UEFI and Legacy BIOS firmware.

In keeping with community standards, there is no dual boot. Upon confirmation — you must type EVICT, in capital letters, like you mean it — every neighboring operating system on the chosen disk is formally evicted and its belongings (all data) are placed on the curb and destroyed. The HOA voted on this. It was unanimous. Attendance was two people.

The Neighborhood Watch program

1.1 introduces mandatory access control, community edition — the Neighborhood Watch (a rebadged AppArmor). Residents may be placed under patrol (violations stopped) or, our favorite, gossip mode: violations are noted, discussed at the meeting, and brought up again in March, but not actually stopped. AppArmor genuinely calls this “complain mode.” We didn’t have to change anything. Sometimes the jokes write themselves and sometimes they were already in the kernel.

Networking, neighborly

• page_manager <host> — page a host until it acknowledges you (ping)
• ask_around_the_neighborhood <name> — DNS, but Susan already knows (resolvectl)
• get_directions <host> — traceroute, with commentary about every single turn
• who_lives_here — the residence directory (ip addr)
• is_the_store_open <url> — call ahead; HTTP status codes are reviewed accordingly

Quality-of-life improvements

• i_dont_want_to_hear_this_anymore replaces clear. The screen, not the feelings.
• bake_sale (memory report — available RAM is being donated), check_the_trunk (disk space — the folding chairs live there now), check_on_the_kids (process tree — if it’s quiet back there, something is wrong), and book_club (nobody read the book).
• Installed systems retain full manager etiquette: without the live session’s permissiveness, escalation properly demands your name for corporate.

Availability

Free, as always (the refund demand from 1.0 remains open — we check weekly). Fresh images for all four editions are on the download page; the in-browser test drive has been upgraded to 1.1. Complete documentation, including the eviction paperwork, is in the store policy.

About Soccer Mom Linux

Soccer Mom Linux is a parody distribution — real, bootable, genuinely Debian — created by Keith I Myers. Every eviction performed by this software is final. The fruit basket is not included and never was.

Download 1.1 “Still Minivan” →